How Honest Conversations Build Stronger Relationships

My fingers are going a million clicks a mile.

I feel like we’re on different pages. I think you’re an absolutely amazing man, but this isn’t working for me… DELETE.

I know you said that nothing has changed, but it has. I don’t know how you don’t feel it—especially since you’re the one who fucking changed it… dumbass… DELETE.

I know it’s early and you’ll still be sleeping for a few more hours, but give me a ring when you wake up. Thanks. … SEND.

I wipe away the tears in my eyes and take one last glance in the mirror. I know I have a good three to five hours before I get a response from him, and in the meantime, I need to head out to pick up little man. I smile at the mirror and give myself a “suck it up, buttercup.”

A few hours in the car to pick up little man, home to put away every last piece of freshly washed clothing, and just as I sit down at my computer, my phone rings. My heart skips.

I sent that text this morning while I was drowning in emotions, but I haven’t actually taken the time to sit down and sort out all my thoughts. I’m still not entirely sure what to say.

My hand shakes as I pick up the phone and make my way into the bathroom. I sink to the floor and lean back against the door, ensuring privacy from prying ears.

“Hey!” I do my best to sound cheerful and upbeat, not letting on how terrifying this conversation feels.

“Hey. What’s going on? Everything okay?”

Get your thoughts together and do it quickly, Tab. You’ve legit had hours to sit with what you need to say.

“So, listen, I need to say a few things, and I know if I wait until tonight when I see you, it’s not going to happen. So thanks for making time right now instead.” I’m stalling. I know it. He knows it.

I take a deep breath. “I know I’ve mentioned to you the past two nights that something feels off. You keep saying it’s not, but it is, and it’s really bothering me.” I pause. “I’ve never felt more secure with anyone, so this has nothing to do with me questioning if you like me or anything like that. But right now, my needs aren’t being met, and I need to know if you have the capacity and desire to meet them—or if it’s best for me to walk away.”

I can hear the confusion on the other end. “Okay…” His voice trails off, confirming I’ve caught him off guard.

I take another deep breath, determined to make this a constructive conversation—not an emotional unloading.

“Tab, my feelings haven’t changed, so whatever it is you need to say, just tell me.”

“I’m trying to find the words. You know I’ve been struggling since Christmas with the idea of what it is I want—or better yet, need.” My voice trembles, but I keep going. “I think I’ve finally figured it out.

I believe the rules of any relationship are up to the two people involved to write together. I believe that any two people who are consistently in contact are in a relationship. Friends, family, lovers—it doesn’t matter. Everyone and everything is relational.

I’m not looking for a relationship defined by society, but I do have my own set of needs and expectations. If meeting those is beyond your capacity, I understand.”

I hear him nodding along as I lay out my definition and description of relationships. I already know he isn’t seeking something traditional, but I also know he’s never navigated non-traditional relationships before.

I continue, “I feel like I’ve said a few things multiple times, and while you agree to them, you haven’t really heard me. So I need you to really listen now.

Back at Thanksgiving, we talked, and I told you flat out that this is non-monogamous. I asked you to share when you have plans or dates with other people—not the details. I don’t want all the sexy details. Hands down, I know I don’t like hearing that. But I do want to know who you’re talking to and when you’re active with others, just in general. You agreed without hesitation.

But then last weekend, you called me about a possible exposure. Honestly, I appreciated and respected you so much for calling me about it. But at no point did you ever mention being with someone else. So my mind starts wandering.

And here’s the thing—I’m not mad you were with someone else. I’m not even upset there was an exposure. I’m upset that you agreed to communicate being with other people and then didn’t.

Following that phone call, the entire next week, you pulled back. You barely said two words to me. It was like our conversations were just ‘checking in, I’m still here,’ not real conversations. Of course, my mind starts wondering if you’re spending your evenings chatting up the other chick.

Again, that’s fine if you are. You aren’t doing anything wrong.”

I take a breath to keep talking, but he cuts in before I can.

“Babes, last week, I wasn’t talking to anyone. I promise you, there is no other woman I talk to more than you. I promise. You’ve become a huge part of my life.”

I smile, feeling myself relax as I nod. I didn’t realize how tense I’d been all day thinking about this conversation.

“Listen, I am incredibly secure with us. I have zero doubts about how you feel about me. I don’t know what I want for my future, but I do know this:

• I don’t believe in monogamy forever.

• I don’t believe in a person forever.

• I believe that people come in and out of our lives in seasons.

• I want a relationship where we are two full people coming together to make each other better—not completing each other.

• I don’t want to control anyone.

• I don’t want to micromanage anyone.

• I don’t want to live with anyone.

• But I do want to love someone.

• I want to matter to someone.

• I want to be important.

• I want to be a safe space for them and have that same safe space opened to me in return.

The most important thing is, I NEED communication and full transparency at all times.”

I stop and pause. I just threw a lot at him.

I press my lips to my wine glass, letting the cool crispness travel down my throat. Now it’s his turn, and anything could happen.

I hear him thinking; something shuffles on the other end of the phone before he finally says, “You’re right.”

I start laughing—almost belly laughing—because I know how much this man despises confrontation, and yet, he’s bringing it on by ghosting.

“Dreamy, listen… moving from long-term toxic monogamous relationships into non-monogamy is a mindfuck. No doubt about it.”

“I hear you, Tab. I’ll do better. I want this.”

I smile at the thought of not losing him because, truthfully, I wasn’t ready for that.

And in case you’re wondering…

He picked me up a few hours later.

Good sex? That’s just a bonus.