A Year in Reflection

12/30/2024

The scene: I spent the evening after Christmas sitting at my best friend’s kitchen table, catching up on the crazy-ass-shit that the Universe threw at us this year and munching on cookies before I hit the road for the trip back home. While two little boys chased each other with remote control cars, a third sat across from us working on a puzzle from Santa that we took turns helping him with, being mindful of the words and conversation in front of their little ears.

I had been chatting on and off with a new guy since right before Halloween. We were more than nothing, but not yet something, and to be honest, I was really struggling with my emotions on this one but couldn’t place why. During our conversation, my best friend cracked open a door that I hadn’t thought about since AC left at the tail end of February earlier this year. What do I truly want? What are my non-negotiables? For some reason, the heightened emotions of being back home for the holidays paired with her innocent questions sent me into a spiral of uncertainty. I could feel something changing in me but couldn’t place it. After a few days, it was time to let my brain do what it does and see what would come together.

I’ve been trying to figure it out and place the emotion or feeling I’m having because it’s different from anything I’ve experienced before. So be patient as I attempt to put this all together for myself …. 

Here’s what I’m looking for in life at this moment:

• Friendship and company that I enjoy

• Sexual exploration and adventure

• Feeling seen, heard, and respected for who I am, as I am

What I’m not interested in:

• Another child to take care of and manage the emotions of

• Another stressor to worry about providing for

• Another thing I have to fix

• Anyone interested in living together or who is dating with the intention of marriage

So then, what is this incessant nag that I can’t figure out. What are the thoughts that are eating at me? 

THOUGHT 1: Words
I have learned over the years that it’s not uncommon for people to have different definitions of the simplest things.
For instance, AC and I had different definitions for fucking everything. What we considered “dating” versus “seeing someone” wasn’t the same. Sometimes it felt like everything took us months to work out when in fact we were saying the same thing, just using different words.

Why is this important? Well, because I think defining what a committed relationship is may be important. I think I’m on the same page with him—but again, I might be using different words—because to me, a committed relationship isn’t marriage, or rings, or talk of a future. It’s very different than that.

To me, a commitment is safety:

• It’s truth and honesty.

• It’s a safe person and space.

• It charges you and not drains you.

• It supports without taking.

• It doesn’t require any fixing or managing of the other person.

• It only requires taking responsibility for yourself.

THOUGHT 2: Literal and Impulsive
I am very literal. So I have been hurt by taking things that he has mentioned very early on and then realizing he isn’t ready. And THAT’S OKAY… There is NOTHING wrong with that. I just have to know how to set my own expectations for myself. 

Examples:

• Date number one: He says, “I’ll take you out and introduce you to people,” and I know that he has a big friend group and are out all the time. I feel excited because I interpret that literally. I’m not expecting to go out and be introduced as a girlfriend—that would be weird. 

• Date number two: He says, “What if I come over after on my way home?” and so again, I feel excited, and that sounds great, but then he says he wants to take things slow and that’s too fast. Now I’m confused because I thought this was just supposed to be spicy fun, not realizing that it meant anything more than late-night sex.

• And all of it leads to him saying things like, “Can I see you this weekend?” and then not following through.

None of this is actually about anything more than communication and expectations. I don’t think he realizes just how very literal and impulsive I am.

• I decided to move to Florida when I was drunk.

• I was sitting at a bar, and someone mentioned the Disney marathon—I looked it up and registered on the spot. It was in 8 weeks, and I hadn’t trained at all.

• If you say, “Let’s see what this looks like without this wall,” I’m gonna put a hole in the wall.

When I ask someone how they are doing, I want a real answer—not a bullshit “fine” answer. And when someone asks me, I’m going to give them my real answer.

I am fully aware that my communication style isn’t for everyone. I am responsible for managing my own expectations. He is responsible for communicating what he actually means.  Is he capable of that?

THOUGHT 3: Monogamy or Not
Moving to ENM (non-monogamy) leaves a fuck ton of “truths” to unlearn, and I know this because I’ve done it.
Being totally honest—I’m not sold on a future of monogamy or non-monogamy for myself. I think I could go either way, and all of that will be determined at some point down the road. But this is what I do know:

Non-monogamy requires a fuck ton of communication and honesty on a level that is unparalleled in the monogamy world.
One of the biggest misconceptions is that ENM means uncommitted, and that couldn’t be farther from the truth—which is why I think I may have different definitions of commitment.

Personally, I have never been in a poly relationship, and I’m not sure how I would handle or work in that dynamic. I don’t know if it would be for me, but maybe?
Open is what I’m familiar with. But again, ask 10 different ENM couples what this means to them, and you’ll get 10 different answers. And maybe this is on me, because I’m trying to apply the boundaries and rules AC and I had set into this new dating pergatory. 

To ME: open means that physically I’m not monogamous, but that I have a “primary partner” and they are the one who knows me intimately. I share things with them that I wouldn’t share with anyone else, and there are physical things I would do that I wouldn’t with others—like cuddle and just hang out at home, and the only one I would ever do sleepovers with.

Shit and feelings and emotions come up in this dynamic. It requires conversation about hard things. Jealousy when you know it shouldn’t exist, boundaries that you didn’t expect, etc. For me, open only works if it’s open and talked about to whatever the desired comfort level is.

I like hearing and knowing about conversations a partner has going on with other potential dates. I like talking about mine. Mostly because if I’m not, it feels like I’m doing something sneaky, and that’s a feeling I can’t handle.

THOUGHT 4: The App
Personally, I think right now I’m really going through a time trying to figure out a few things for myself. I haven’t met anyone that wasn’t from this specific app in well over a year. Almost every guy I have met with felt safe to me for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I knew they weren’t looking for anything more from me than a physical relationship.

I stepped away from really exploring deeper fantasy and kinks for a while, as I was just getting used to being alone again and learning to feel safe on my own.

What’s different with him is that fantasy and excitement actually began coming back for me. Things like going to the club, trying new things, and being spontaneous.

Honestly, since I met him, I have very little desire to continue on the app at the moment… and I don’t think that’s because I want him to drop to a knee and hand me a ring…. But sometimes all the first-date conversations just get exhausting.

THOUGHT 5: Finances
I’ve told him bits and pieces of my past. How I have pulled myself up from the bottom more times than I can count. Each time, learning to love myself a little bit more and becoming more aware of my worthiness and value as I stepped closer to my truth.

I don’t know if he fully understands what my situation was like in NY. When I met my ex-husband, I had savings, I was working corporate making good money for a single 20-something. I had designer purses and vacations in Hawaii, and my life was everything I dreamed of other than the fact that I fucking HATED the office I worked in.

I met him, and I made four times more money than he made. Within three years, I didn’t have a penny to my name. A few years later, after his attempt, I lost everything. I had no credit. No W2s, nothing. The gym was just starting to turn a profit when COVID hit.

I moved to PA with $36 in my bank account, zero credit, a failing coaching business, and no support. 

I LOVE my life. I don’t want a 9-5. I will hustle and stress over money every day until my coaching and writing truly take off if it keeps me outside of a corporate environment.

I can’t describe how much I despise not being financially stable, and because of my own history, it’s a place I’m determined to reach on my own. I feel like I can’t even begin to know what I will want in my life until I don’t have to worry about making rent each month.

THOUGHT 6: Final Thoughts
I’m gonna do my best to wrap this all up and put it together.
I don’t know if I ever want to move. I don’t know if I ever want to get married again. I don’t know if I ever want to live with someone again. I don’t know if I want monogamy or ENM. I don’t know if I ever want to meet someone else’s kids. I don’t know much of anything, but I do know this:

I know I want a partner. Not someone I have to take care of, and not someone to take care of me. I want a person to do life with, to travel with, to laugh with, to be the wall to lean on when I need it. But that person cannot, nor should they attempt, to manage my emotions and fix my problems. I want a person who feels safe. Who lives their own life while I live mine, and we come together as two whole people with two whole lives.

Not two broken lives who come together to make one—which is some manipulative bullshit that we are fed our entire lives right there.

I know that right now I struggle with the feelings that I don’t have the same financial freedom or group of friends that he has, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say it evokes emotions. But that’s mine to deal with—not his.

I struggle with it because I don’t know what “uncommitted” means to him. I don’t know if it’s okay to text him while you’re out. I don’t know what’s too much when it comes to spicy texts and teasing.

I guess these are the things in the back of my mind when I wonder if we are on the same page. I sure hope we are.