Figuring Out What I Want
Love, Friendship, and the Ride-or-Die I Didn’t Know I Needed
Before I got married, I knew exactly what I wanted. I was dating for a husband. I wanted a partner, a life we would build together.
Since the divorce, I’ve flip-flopped endlessly. I’ve gone from never wanting to be touched again - dead inside to wanting to explore every deepest kink and desire I ever dreamed of. I swore off marriage and monogamy, only to later know - without a doubt - that I would marry AC with a paper ring if he asked me.
When someone asks what I’m looking for, I’m always honest: I don’t know.
I’m not opposed to something long-term, but I’m also not out shopping for it. I’m not opposed to monogamy for the right person, but I haven’t set my future to that tune. I’ve never been polyamorous, but sure, I’d give it a whirl if the right opportunity came along.
Over the past year, this has whirled in my head like the rapids at the bottom of Niagara Falls. Every time I think I know what I want, the idea flips over, and something else shiny pops up for me to catch a glimpse of.
Again and again, I’ve told myself: I trust I’ll know when I find what I’m seeking.
The Only Thing I Know for Sure
Knowing this, I’m upfront with anyone I meet - I have no fucking clue what I want for my future or where this is going.
The only person who ever made me want more was AC, and with him, there was never a question - I wanted a life together, a picket fence to hold our forever.
Eight months after hanging up the phone with AC for the last time, and an obscene number of first dates later, I met Dreamy.
Side note…
Every date gets a nickname.
In case you’re wondering - AC is not his initials. If you want to know what it stands for, comment and let me know you’re here reading this.
Other names that have been awarded over the past several years: Minute Man, Hot Guy, McFeely, Spanker, Hiker, Carrot, Pre-K, West Virginia, Conquest, and Professor, among so many others.
So when Dreamy asked why he wasn’t Hot Guy, all I could say was,
"Because that was already taken. Just be thankful you aren’t Minute Man."
Back To The Story
When I met Dreamy, I felt something I hadn’t felt since AC.
A connection - but one I couldn’t name.
I was attracted to him. He made me laugh. He put me at ease.
But here we sit, four months in, and I still haven’t figured out what I want from him.
I’ve known it’s more than nothing, but less than something.
I’ve been trying to place it honestly inside myself before even considering a conversation.
And then this morning, it hit me - almost as if it had been there the whole time, but I just couldn’t see it.
The Moment It Clicked
It was 6 AM.
I was cursing myself for leaving my water bottle in the car two blocks away from the gym, in the middle of a rainstorm.
I was taking out a night of inadequate sleep on the heavy bag in front of me while H-O-T-T-O-G-O blared loud enough to cover my bad singing.
And then - it clicked.
My life in the Burgh has only ever been missing one thing.
That do-nothing-but-survive-life-together friend.
“I don’t need promises of forever. I don’t need to talk about the future. I don’t need to be in a relationship. But I do want him to consider - just for now - being my ride or die”
The Village I Lost
For a split second, I had her when I first moved down here. We had a solid two months together, and I thought it would be forever.
But for reasons that unravel an entirely different story, that friendship served its purpose before dissolving.
Before the first blow that set off the domino effect of my imploding post-divorce life, I had two very specific friends - my ride-or-die, do-nothing friends.
We all had kids the same age.
We never knocked at the door.
We opened each other’s cupboards, helped ourselves to snacks, did the dishes for the other tired mom, wore mismatched pajamas, and always had a safe place to land.
They were the people I could call and say,
"Please come save my kid’s life,"
And they wouldn’t ask a single question.
Fifteen minutes later, their car would pull up, they’d usher themselves in, argue my child into their coat and shoes, and shuffle all the little feet out the door so I could try to catch my breath before it was too late.
They were my village.
The one our grandparents always talked about having.
I hadn’t known either of them that long, but they completed me.
And I them.
Until they didn’t.
I haven’t spoken much about what happened to those friendships.
I haven’t talked about the tears I’ve cried - not just because I miss them, but because three years later, I still miss their kids in a way that sits heavy.
That friendship didn’t last, but it got me through my divorce and the burnout that followed.
And if I’m honest?
I crave finding something like that again - more than I’ve even admitted to myself.
“Maybe this craving I have - the one I kept thinking was about love - is really all I ever wanted but never knew how to express”
Back to Dreamy. And AC.
The day I met AC, I had no doubt he was my forever. [If you missed it-I wrote about it HERE]!
I’m not sure I’m ready to say I was wrong yet.
But I haven’t been proven right, either - because my current relationship status is still single.
But Dreamy is different.
Or fuck - maybe I’m different.
Because I’ve healed a lot since that last phone call with AC.
Maybe this craving I have - the one I kept thinking was about love - is really all I ever wanted but never knew how to express.
I don’t need promises of forever from Dreamy.
I don’t need to talk about the future.
I don’t need to be in a relationship.
But I do want him to consider -
just for now -
being my ride or die.
