Redefining Commitment
Why Depth Matters More Than Duration
Commitment has long been defined as permanence—a lifelong promise, an unbreakable vow. But what if we let go of the idea that commitment means forever? What if, instead, commitment is about depth rather than duration?
When you find yourself in the dating world among the 40-somethings, commitment is a word that often makes its way into the very first exchange. Are you looking for it or not?
“Commitment isn’t about obligation; it’s about choice. It’s choosing to show up, fully and honestly, every single day.”
But I’ve realized that most people mean something very different than I do. Most people use commitment as a placeholder for forever, as if the only relationships that matter are the ones that last a lifetime.
I’ve let go of that idea. I don’t believe relationships are meant to necessarily be forever. Some will, but most won’t—and that doesn’t make them any less meaningful. Every connection serves a purpose, teaching us something, shifting us in ways we may not fully understand at the time. I don’t need a promise of forever—nor is that something I can give.
Instead, I see commitment as a level of depth and safety within a relationship. I don't believe commitment is reserved for intimate relationships. It is the trust and honesty shared between two people, the space where both can be seen and held without the pressure of expectation.
It’s truth and honesty.
It’s a safe person and space.
It charges you, not drains you.
It supports without taking.
It is healed and healthy, always bringing respect.
It doesn’t require fixing or managing the other person.
It only requires taking responsibility for yourself.
We each must be committed to our own healing, our personal truths, and what we share with one another. Commitment is about showing up for the relationship—openly, honestly, and transparently.
I don’t need someone to promise forever. I need someone who shows up, fully and honestly, for as long as we choose to walk this path together. Because to me, that is what commitment truly is.
A Challenge ✨ Exploring Your Own Definition of Commitment
Commitment is often defined by external expectations rather than personal truth. If you want to challenge your own perspective, try this:
1. The Commitment Reflection Exercise
Take a moment to reflect on the most meaningful relationships in your life—romantic, platonic, or otherwise. Ask yourself:
What made those relationships feel safe and meaningful?
Did their length define their value, or was it something deeper?
If those relationships ended, did that make them any less important?
Write down your answers and look for patterns. What truly defines commitment for you? Is it about time, depth, consistency, or something else entirely?
2. The “Promise vs. Presence” Challenge
For the next week, observe the way you and others talk about commitment. Ask yourself:
Do I seek commitment as a promise, or am I more focused on how someone shows up today?
Do I put pressure on myself (or others) to make guarantees about the future?
If I removed the idea of “forever,” how would that change the way I approach my relationships?
At the end of the week, reflect: Does my definition of commitment align with how I actually experience meaningful relationships?
