June 3, 2024
This story is about my decision to let my nine-year-old daughter move out of state and away from me, why I allowed it, and the backlash that followed.
After living in Pittsburgh for about two months, I realized that forcing my daughter to stay an entire year before allowing her to move back was cruel and deeply unfair. Together, my parents, her father, and I agreed it would be best to let her decide where she wanted to live.
But oh, did everyone have an opinion—and none were kind or supportive, especially toward me. According to the "experts," a "good" mother would have moved back to Buffalo to make her child happy and keep the family intact. The hurtful judgments piled up:
❌ I was selfish and a spoiled brat who never grew up.
❌ I didn’t deserve my kids.
❌ I was taking advantage of my parents.
❌ She’s a kid; it’s not her decision.
❌ I loved one kid more than the other.
❌ I was choosing to "throw her away."
❌ I was traumatizing my kids.
Ouch—those hurt. For so many reasons, those judgments stung, even though I knew deep down we were doing the right thing. Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I was constantly referred to as a spoiled brat and accused of being selfish. This chipped away at my worthiness until eventually, I believed it. I truly believed that younger me was a bad person—unworthy, undeserving of friends.
It took me years of deep healing and therapy to recognize the balance between confidence and arrogance, between wanting something and being selfish. I learned that boundaries don’t make me a bad person and that it's okay to put my needs first.
I knew in my core that this was the right decision, but those judgments sent me spiraling backward. Boom, just like that, I was back on my ass and haunted by my biggest insecurities. All brought about by people who weren’t living in my shoes.
Society expects mothers to sacrifice themselves for their children, and those who don’t are judged harshly. The people judging me, including family, weren’t open to discussion. They didn't want to hear my side or admit that maybe, just maybe, life is many shades of gray. In their eyes, there was nothing I could say to defend my choice. I was no longer welcome in their lives.
If they had allowed for a conversation, this is what I would have explained:
When I made the decision to move, I did so for my emotional health. I NEEDED to go far enough away that no one could rescue me on a whim. I had lost belief in my strength and ability. I was broken, overwhelmed by anger, and while I do not believe I would ever self-harm, the thought of not waking up seemed more appealing than facing the day.
Staying in Buffalo was not an option. It couldn’t provide a space for me to heal and grow. It would not allow me to be a better mom or become the person I was meant to be. The trauma reminders on every corner were consuming me. Staying in Buffalo would result in two children being raised by a shell of a person who was dead inside. My children deserve better. They deserve a mother who is thriving and full of life. More so, I deserve to thrive and be full of life.
After two months in Pittsburgh, I was starting to shine, but Charlotte was full of anger and emotions too big for a nine-year-old. Having just come out of that myself, I knew the depths and danger of that level of anger. It wasn’t healthy to ask her to continue sitting with that, just as it wouldn’t be healthy for me to go back to it.
So as a family, we made a decision. Now my little girl is thriving living with her grandparents and father, and her brother and I are thriving here. This may not be what I envisioned my life to be—divorced, with one child living three hours away, the other curled up on the couch with me. But we are all happy and thriving, and in the grand scheme of life, that’s all that matters.
Knowing that I made the best decision for us doesn’t make the mean comments easier to take, but it forced me to grow. It made me face old beliefs and recognize that I hadn’t fully healed those wounds. It forced me to protect my energy by blocking friends and family who weren’t healthy for me. It showed me what it means to be closed-minded and the damage judgment does to those we love.
Who has judged you lately in a way that has made you doubt yourself? Are you ready to work through that and let it go? Book a call and let’s work through those messy feelings.
