June 6, 2024
I hear a lot of people talking about living in survival and equally as much about living in abundance, but what I don't hear many people talking about is living in the in-between. You know, when you have left survival, but the Universe hasn’t granted you abundance yet.
I was living in survival mode on a low-key basis long before 2017, but it was that year when the Universe had bumped my low-key mode up to full throttle, defense mode. I had a brand new business with a hefty lease, two children ages 3 and 1, a house without walls due to a full remodel, and a husband who, amid everything, attempted suicide.
Once I entered threat level red of survival mode, I remained there for several years. Always on alert, waiting to get the “I’m sorry, ma’am” phone call at any moment. Bankruptcy was on the table, and I was staring into a void that was swallowing my family whole with no idea how to stop it. Eventually, through a combination of therapy and sheer determination, I started finding my way out of survival mode.
There were two distinct phases that occurred after exiting survival mode. The first was the physical sense of being next-level tired for what seemed like years but in reality was likely a few months. It would have been easy to mistake it for depression, but in reality, it was my nervous system attempting to regulate combined with my body’s physical reaction to the fact that I hadn’t let my guard down in years, not even for a second. As soon as I truly felt safe again, snuggled back into my old bedroom at my parent’s house, my body threw up its arms and surrendered.
The second phase began after the recharge when my energy began coming back. With a lot of therapy and support, it was time to learn what living outside of survival actually looked like. I had to unlearn what had become ingrained into me throughout those years.
When you are in survival, the thought of abundance is laughable. I remember saying through tears, "I just want to be able to order a pizza and not check my bank account first." What is so trivial and small today felt like asking for the world to be delivered to me on a silver platter back then.
For the next few years, I worked on healing myself. There was, in fact, a lot to heal from. There were many times over those two-plus years that I felt like I had healed from something so large, and I would get excited thinking, “This is it, I finally did it,” only to be disappointed when I had to admit that once again, I had not yet reached the next level.
It was beyond frustrating. I was feeling the changes inside of me, but on the outside, no matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t get ahead. There was no shift in success, no matter how many hours I put in. Every single time a piece of me healed, there was yet a deeper layer of trauma that would split open. It was like a never-ending game of whack-a-trauma. But I believed and I trusted, even as trust faded from those around me.
Eventually, the day came for the old me to put out her last dumpster fire. Let me clarify: there will absolutely be more dumpster fires in my life, but not only will they be different, but so will my reaction to them as the old version of me no longer exists.
The Universe finally handed me my own golden key that would unlock the next version of myself. It was hard-earned and well deserved. There was no looking back when I finally stepped out of the in-between and into the level of abundance because, if I’m being honest - the in-between fucking sucks.
Here’s what no one tells you about the time spent in-between: you will never accidentally fall out of survival; instead, you must choose to exit. Once you step out and into the in-between, the old version of you ceases to exist. However, it takes a long time before you fully become the new version of yourself. Hence, why I call it the in-between: you’re in between the old you that you were and the new you that isn’t quite here yet.
It is a lonely space. Many people will walk through your life during this season. You will lose some people who have always been there, and you will gain others who you never knew you were missing. Each is there to teach you something. Embrace it. Look for the lesson in each and every person.
You are going to feel like the world’s biggest fraud and failure. I promise, you are not; just keep going. You are going to experience pain that, at times, may seem worse than the original cause of entering survival. There is beauty in the pain; look for it, and doing so will make it easier to carry. The Universe is going to test you over and over and over again, forcing you to become so uncomfortable in your own skin that you would rather sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl butt naked than do what you know you have to do.
The unlearning and the healing will suck. But when you finally get through it, when you level up to the next frequency, I promise you that you will not regret your decision. I needed to experience every ounce of pain and every single doubt to learn my worthiness so that I may never again let go of it. Every single thing I went through was necessary in order for me to become the next version. This version.
What I want you to know is whether you just stepped out into the in-between or you have been wandering around out there for a while now, you are not alone. It only feels that way for now, but it won’t feel that way forever.
There comes a point in the journey where the universe will begin testing your readiness for permanent residency in the next vibration. She will start giving you several lessons at the same time, expecting you to juggle while absorbing them all at a faster pace.
If you haven’t picked up on it yet, you and the Universe are in a full-fledged mother/child relationship and this is like watching kids learn to walk up the stairs. At 2 or 3, a trip up the stairs takes forever as they are trying to learn if it’s easier to put a hand down first and crawl up, or hold the banister and put a foot up. The toddler doesn't think they need the safety of mom, but she knows better and is always an arm’s reach away. By the time they are 5 or 6, they are running up and down those stairs and mom no longer frets about their abilities. By the time they are 12, not only are they running up the stairs but they are taking them two at a time. Mom sits on the couch, not calling out, knowing they are capable but also knowing the pain they will feel should they miss that one step. By 17 they haven’t slowed down, and now they are juggling backpacks, two baskets of laundry, and lunch on their head because they are determined not to make that second trip.
The Universe will progress you through the in-between just the same. As you grow in confidence and ability, she will let you go faster until eventually, once you have proven yourself to her, she will offer you a golden key to the sacred elevator. There will no longer be a need to juggle the bags, the laundry, and lunch, because you now have access to a rolling wagon that easily carries it all for you. Isn’t life grand?
When you ask her why you needed to learn all of that, she responds with great love that everything tastes sweeter when it’s earned.
If you’re taking the stairs two at a time while juggling the laundry and your lunch and feeling hopelessly frustrated that you haven’t been given your key yet, it’s time to check the rule book and learn that you are allowed to use catalysts at this point. Think of the catalyst as the little star in Super Mario Brothers. A short burst of super power to help you get out of the spot you have been stuck.
Catalysts come in the form of people who are skilled at changing perspectives, removing blocks and obstacles, and guiding you along the path. They offer up courage, belief, and intuition for you to borrow and have a knack for nudging you along.
It’s because of the catalysts in my life that I earned my key. If it wasn’t for them, I’d still be out there checking my path. But because of them, I now get to return the favor to others. If you aren’t sure who may be a catalyst in your life, but you’re ready for what it could do for you, I’m here & I would love to help you get your golden key. All you have to do is book a call with me!
Welcome to the penthouse; it is a beautiful view from up here.
