June 7, 2024
The biggest lie we are ever told, especially as women, is that we can have it all. The Pinterest-worthy house, a respectful career, tiny humans dressed in clothes without holes and stains, a car without crumbs and wrappers covering the back seat, and the list goes on. Stop, just stop trying to have it all, it’s a lie.
The truth is, it’s not that we can’t have it all, but we can’t have it all at the same time.
One of the best lessons I ever received came very early after opening my business from a coach who had a lot more experience than me. She said:
You can have a clean house and a checked-off to-do list at home, or you can be killing it in business productivity. But you will never have both on the same day. If you are killing it at work, your house will be a mess, and if your house is clean, then business will suffer. It is about learning work/life integration, NOT striving for work/life balance.
That was one of the first lessons, and the greatest thing I took away from her. That lesson cost me a few thousand dollars up front and has saved me tens of thousands of dollars over the years. It also saved me from immeasurable amounts of tears and emotional distress from feeling like a failure for not being able to have both like the movies taught us. It changed the entire game for me and the standards that I set for myself each day.
#realtime
I’m sitting at my computer right now, and I’m meditating on the depth of that advice. All week I have been a jittery tangle of nerves as we are approaching another parenting transition because today is the last day of school for Cal, and it’s only a half-day. I struggle with the discomfort that comes from changing my routine, leaving my thoughts in overdrive.
Thoughts like:
🐿 I just found my groove with business; I can’t let up now.
🐿 How am I going to work amid the chaos, noise, and mess of having him home?
🐿 End of the year teacher gifts - I forgot about them, fuck, this is why I need my own adult.
🐿 What can I do to spend less time as a snack bitch for a 7 year old this summer?
🐿 We should have a family meeting to set new rules and boundaries…
….. damn it, I’m the adult; I am the one who has to figure out what those rules and boundaries need to be.
🐿 Last day of school picture, don't forget to take it, don’t forget to take it, I repeated this this entire way to drop off. Yet I realized an hour and a half later that, I forgot to take the fucking picture.
🐿 Another birthday party invite… I need to remember to put that on the calendar - also, am I the only mom in this school who just wants to have a birthday party where the theme is - HAPPY BIRTHDAY & not spend hundreds of dollars on decorations.
🐿 Shit, do I have all the boys' phone numbers to invite them to Cal’s birthday this summer?
🐿 Ooh, I have an idea for a new organizing system for my content - THIS will be the game-changer [Morgan Freeman narrates “and yet she knows it will not be the game-changer she hopes for”].
🐿 I found a gym to join! Yay! Nope, that won’t really work with him home for the summer, it’s not worth the battle. Try again in September.
🐿 What am I writing about today again?
Those 👆🏻 were all in the first two hours of this morning.
Here’s the problem with trying to have and do it all… are you ready for it?
WE ARE HUMANS raising tiny versions of us, who have tiny brains and big emotions.
When I keep the perspective that I can’t have it all at the same time, I remember to lean into ME.
Here’s reality for myself:
❌ I will never be a Pinterest mom.
✅ It is okay that it doesn’t set my soul on fire, I am allowed to let go of that expectation.
❌ I am not the mom who has any idea what color shirt they are supposed to wear today, or what words are on the spelling test.
✅ There is a mom out there whose soul is on fire by classroom announcements and notifications. I will befriend and ask her to kindly text me all important information on the day of.
❌ I don’t want to over-schedule my children in camps, events, clubs, and more.
✅ So I’m not going to. My greatest prayer for them has always been this:
'Dear Lord, please let them be good enough that they aren’t the last one picked for the neighborhood kickball team. But do not let them be good enough that a coach should see them and want them to play in an organized league. Especially one that travels. Thank you.'
❌ I would be lying if I said that I never thought or dreamed of the big house with two bathrooms and a gorgeous backyard complete with an outdoor kitchen, fire-pit, and Edison lights strung overhead. I certainly have.
✅ However, I have trouble keeping up with our tiny two-bedroom apartment. I don’t need more space for toys to be thrown about and dust to be collected. In truth, I LOVE my little apartment as much as I loved my forever home when I owned it.
❌ My child will always leave strangers wondering if he is an orphan.
✅ Those pants he is wearing with holes in the knees, don’t think I haven’t tried tossing them, but they are his FAVORITE pair. The stain on that shirt; it wasn’t there this morning so can we call it proof that I fed him
Maybe I would have the energy to fight more battles or to clean a bigger house if my business wasn’t my greatest passion and purpose on Earth.
That one lesson from back in 2018 is what allowed me to CHOOSE what I wanted to lean into and better understand Newton’s third law. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Meaning, I KNOW if I’m working on business then I’m not cleaning, or making arts and crafts for school projects because I can only pour my energy into ONE thing at a time.
It allowed me to sit down and prioritize my standards in a realistic way in an attempt to then better manage my own expectations of myself.
Home: Creativity flows best when my space is tidy so I dedicate an hour a day to tidying up knowing that it helps my business productivity. Deep cleaning, nope, that’s not in the cards. So, when you come over please don’t peek behind the shower curtain or inspect the baseboards because I really don’t want to know what’s there.
Motherhood: I love my kids dearly, but I do not feel responsible for entertaining them constantly, nor will school activities ever be a top priority of mine. But don’t mistake that as bad parenting because I would take a bullet for them. I love them beyond measure, they are cared for well. I will close my computer to snuggle up and watch movies or read books. My bed will always be available for them to crawl into after a nightmare and they will never question if I have their back.
Work: It my greatest purpose on Earth. Inspiring and helping people change their lives by achieving radical self-acceptance. There is not another thing I would ever do with my life. Alongside the work itself, working for myself and being in charge of my own schedule and expectations is a non-negotiable for me. No matter how hard or scary it can be at times, it allows me the opportunity to be the parent I want in my own way without added stress.
What’s causing you emotional distress right now? Where are you feeling like a failure?
What if I could do for you what my coach did for me? Help you save yourself years worth of emotional distress and thousands of dollars by changing your standard?
Would it be worth it? Book a call and let’s get to work!
[PS. All calls are standalone sessions. I have absolutely nothing to sell you on the call and do not offer any packages for coaching of any kind, so don’t let the fear of pressure to commit hold you back…. I’m not the commitment type!]
