Discovering Real Love And Empowerment

10/11/2024

Can I make a habit of this? Can I start every day with a 20-minute writing session before I do anything else, to see what bubbles up to the surface that needs attention and love?

There have been so many feelings and emotions running wild inside me lately, bringing me as much peace as they do a sense of unease. I set the timer for 20 minutes and turn off everything on my computer. This, after all, is what discipline looks like, and I know that writing clears my mind and centers me faster than anything else. If I just let my fingers strike the keys and allow the thoughts to pass through me without overthinking—contradictory as that may sound—it works.

I need a timer I can see. I flip the hourglass I have, but it’s a 60-minute one. Maybe it’s time to get a 20-minute hourglass. I like watching the sand drip down as I mindlessly type, unsure of what the screen will say when I’m done.

I think it’s time to channel and see what the Universe has to say about where I am and what I’m doing. There’s so much started right now.

I created the new TikTok, The Unapologetic Slut—a name I absolutely love, though it doesn’t roll off the tongue perfectly. Is it the right name, or would Empowered Slut be better? Empowered feels easier to say.

This idea feels like what I’ve been looking for—it’s who I am. Unapologetic, unashamed, empowered, raw, deep, emotional. It lets me go far beyond the surface. It lets me talk about the universe and sex, bringing it all together. It lets me start telling my story.

But what is my story?

It’s not what it used to be. My story used to be one filled with anger and hate, bubbling with insecurity and lack. I was a victim.

Today, all of that built me into who I am now. Why do I care if my family loves me or not? Why do I care what they think of me? Why does any of it matter? It doesn’t—not one bit. I can’t let them define me anymore.

Telling the old parts of my story doesn’t feel the same now. It doesn’t erase what happened to me, but I can no longer let it define me: Patrick’s suicide attempt, losing the house, the hatred from my family, the bullying—none of it.

Before AC, I had never experienced real love. I thought I knew what love was, but I was wrong. The experiences were real—the pain, the terror, the survival instinct—but it wasn’t love.

Real love shows you how much we’ve been manipulated by fear masquerading as love. True love sets you free.

I used to think something was wrong with me when I heard quotes like, “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it’s yours; if it doesn’t, it never was.” Or, “I just want them to be happy.” I couldn’t imagine feeling that way. I thought love was about fighting for someone, making them understand, holding them down.

But once you experience real love—the kind so profound it defies words—you realize it’s the opposite.

Love isn’t constant, undying protection. It isn’t about keeping someone from getting hurt. It’s about unlocking them, pushing them to their greatest potential, and watching them soar—even if it feels like it will kill you.

Love isn’t about being right or telling someone what’s best for them. It’s about knowing—a deep knowing that grounds you. It’s a safety that didn’t exist before. It’s exhausting and hard. It ebbs and flows, bringing hurt and anger alongside comfort and joy. Love grows with you and between you.

I loved him in a way I’ve never loved anyone else. I loved him enough to let him go. I loved him enough not to beg or plead. I loved him enough to understand.

If his feelings don’t match mine, that’s okay. Maybe this isn’t the lifetime for us, but I know we’ve traveled through lifetimes together. This is just a blip on the radar.

Without him, I wouldn’t be me. People tell me to give myself credit because I did the work, and while that’s true, it’s also true that he created a safe space for me to do that work. He held me through my mistakes and messiness, without judgment.

I was strong where he lacked, and he was strong where I lacked. We helped each other grow. We loved hard. And for that, I will always be thankful.