Facing Fear & Embracing Liberation

My First Sex Club Experience

5/20/2024

-June 2023

Our third date was a sex club. 

Yep, you read that right…. it was the third date.

I didn’t even know sex clubs were real.  Yes, I realize how incredibly naive that may sound… but it’s true. I didn’t know there was anything beyond strip clubs.

I really wanted to go but I was terrified and if you know me at all then you may know exactly how nervous I get in new situations. At times it can be paralyzing and I come off like a stuck up bitch when in reality I’m just trying to make sure that my body remembers to continue breathing.  

WTF do women wear to sex clubs? Is everyone there going to be sexier than me? Do I bring a purse? What do I need to know? Are we really doing this? 

I think Google was overheating from all my searching in an effort to be as prepared as I could. Meanwhile AC appeared as cool as a cucumber as he picked out the outfit I would wear.  I ended up in a cropped white tank and army green pants that flowed with slits that cut up the mid thigh. 

I paced and word vomited racing thoughts until it was finally time to call the uber and go.

As we turned down a street that was clearly taking us into an industrial part of town, we pulled up to a large building with no windows and no signs.  We couldn’t even find the numbers on the building to verify we were in the right place.  And as the uber drove away I had an “oh shit” moment… like, is this how I die?  Whatever happens, make sure it takes me all the way out, because if it only puts me in the hospital my mother will finish the job when she finds out.  

We took a chance and followed a few other people wearing hardly any clothes figuring they looked like they have done this before. We found the door, which for the record I refused to walk through first, and were given obnoxious smiley face bracelets so that everyone would know it was our first time in attendance. 

We didn’t bring our own alcohol, so sober it was!   

The giant screens in the club area was playing porn and there were people of all sorts wandering around. Some in lingerie, others wearing leashes, us wearing regular mostly everyday clothes. 

We sat down in a booth just kind of taking it in and when AC looked at me and said he had to pee I squeezed his hand harder and politely declined his invitation to step away from me. 

Eventually we decided to get up and wander.  We headed through the back door to where the playrooms are.  

Holy Fuck

I didn’t think I could be more uncomfortable than walking into a bar with porn playing on the big screens, but turns out I could. Walking through a hallway with rooms on each side, doors open and seeing people having sex … so essentially - live porn, was absolutely more uncomfortable than seeing it on the big screen. 

I didn’t want to watch, but also, I wanted to watch. 

We learned quickly that watching was AC’s thing. He didn’t have the same level of discomfort with it that I did.  He stood up against a wall, pulled me in close to him and kept trying to get me to relax as I wiggled and fidgeted with the discomfort of feeling like I was breaking the rules by looking. 

Eventually we went to have our own fun for the evening, and that’s when we learned that while he may be more comfortable watching, I was absolutely more comfortable being watched. We also adopted what would become our golden rule & that is, no matter what the question is, the answer is not “whatever.” The second rule was Tab must make eye contact with AC before opening her mouth to answer. But that’s a story for another day. 

This was the first time I allowed myself to push through the discomfort and the rules that I had been holding myself to for years on end. It was liberating, it was terrifying and it was only the beginning.