Burn Your Reputation to the Ground
Walking around the house in tattered comfy clothes, picking up the trail of laundry and Cheerios that runs from the kitchen straight through the living room and into the kiddo's room. I'm bopping along to music on my earbuds while dodging foam baseballs that fly by my head. It's another Saturday of rain, and I have an eight-year-old with the zoomies.
My phone dings and I'm thankful for the excuse to put off cleaning the bathroom just a little bit longer. The text is from a client who has been with me for over a year now. The message read, "I just saw a quote on TikTok and was like wow. Once you've ruined your reputation, you can live quite freely."
"Once you’ve ruined your reputation, you can live quite freely."
"So fucking true," I typed back.
When the little dots popped up on the screen letting me know that he had more to say, I walked over to the couch and sank down, covering myself with a blanket. I will never get tired of my job and the way I choose to live my life.
"I just never thought of it like that."
Sigh. He is far from the only one who hasn't thought of it like that. The number one reason people don't learn to unmask is because they are scared of what people will think if they do. What people think of you is quite literally the definition of reputation.
Most of us start building a reputation before we even know what the word means—by being the “good kid,” the “peacemaker,” the one who doesn’t cause trouble.
"BURN IT TO THE FUCKING GROUND - The reputation that is."
I was shocked by what came next.
"I don't think I have it in me," he said.
Honestly, I didn't expect that. This is a man who says whatever comes to his mind. If he thinks he can embarrass you, the smile on his face will grow and there is nothing he won't do. So to hear him say that he didn't have it in him to burn down his reputation—I was genuinely taken aback.
I pressed some more because I needed to know what was going on inside that mind of his.
What was he holding back and protecting?
"I would never want to disappoint the girls."
Now, I am well aware that his (almost grown) nieces are two of the most important people in his life. And from the stories he has told me, I know that the relationship is strong, so I still really couldn't figure out where this was going. I straightened out the blankets that were covering me, adjusted my detective cap, and pressed on, asking a few more questions. I needed to draw out exactly what it was that he was so certain would disappoint them.
"If I said the things I want to say to some of the adults in their lives I think they would be very shocked."
I took a sip of my ginger ale and thought about that for a moment.
Again, there are so many ways to interpret that statement, and so much of it hinges on... well... on exactly what it is that he would say.
It's easy to stand up and say—just burn it to the ground. Fuck everyone, you don't need them. But I remember the fact that it took me years to work up to that courageous point of life. I knew I was burning it to the ground when I lit the match.
I wasn't convinced that's what he was looking for. I wasn't convinced that he actually cared about his reputation as a whole—or that this situation was keeping him from living his truth. When you've been doing this as long as I have, you develop an innate ability to feel when someone is lying to themselves or holding back, and I didn't get that sense at all. Especially after all our time together. I needed to keep wading through the information until we got to what I needed.
"I don't know if I could handle never seeing or talking to the girls again."
"I understand that. For me, it was like I was drowning. I couldn't breathe anymore. There was nowhere that felt safe. So here is my biggest question for you now—does what you have to say just showcase your opinion or does it allow you to be you? The two aren't the same."
He hesitated, then went on to explain that there are family members who act like they are flawless and perfect simply because they attend church, casting judgment on those who don't. Ultimately, alluding to this sense of fake Christianity that seems to be plaguing this country as of late.
*"I know exactly what you mean once you give that example & I can imagine the things you would like to say.
My professional opinion... Take it or leave it.
This is about what you think about them as humans and not about WHO YOU ARE as a human. Speaking up isn’t going to change how they see or view you or anyone else. And how they view you isn’t going to change who you are.
UNLESS you find yourself morphing into someone else entirely when you are in their presence and not shining as yourself. (That's ultimately what happened to me. You wouldn’t have recognized me around my family if you had ever witnessed it because I became who they expected over who I am.)
You know that you would proudly stand next to them on judgement day—then it’s no sweat off your back. It’s more about learning to accept them for who they are in truth and let the rest of everything go."*
And this is when we struck gold...
He wrote back:
"I'm not fighting this battle for me, because I ultimately am going to do what I want. But the girls need to understand that they are now adults and they have the right to be happy regardless of how others feel."
I stared at the screen.
DAMN. That’s it.
That’s the conversation I wish someone had with me when I was their age.
So I told him the truth:
This isn’t a conversation between you and the others. It’s a conversation between you and the girls.
It’s a chance to model what it looks like to stand your ground. To teach them—finally—that it’s okay to disappoint others.
To be a man who lives with integrity, not performance.
And that?
That’s a hill I will always push you to stand on.
Because someone, somewhere, is watching how you live.
And maybe your freedom is the exact permission they’ve been waiting for.
