Why “Just Communicate” Is Shitty Advice (and What to Do Instead)

Everyone says communication is key.
But no one teaches us how to actually do it.
We’re told to “just talk it out.”
But what happens when your nervous system shuts down mid-sentence?
When your throat closes?
When you go blank?
When the thing you meant to say comes out sideways?

“Just communicate” is shitty advice because communication isn’t natural—it’s learned.
And most of us were taught garbage.

Real Communication Includes:

• Body language

• Tone and timing

• Nervous system awareness

• Personal responsibility

• Mutual respect and space for nuance

But here’s what usually happens instead:

• We talk at people, not with them.

• We assume tone and intent based on our wounds.

• We avoid clarifying questions because we don’t want to seem dumb, needy, or dramatic.

• We default to defensiveness instead of curiosity.

• We confuse agreement with connection.

You’re not bad at communication—you were just never taught what safe communication feels like.

So how do we actually communicate—especially when it’s hard?

Let me give you a few replacements for “just communicate”:

Regulate first, then respond.

• Ask, “What do you need from me right now—support, space, or solutions?”

• Use slow, simple language. Drop the script. Be real.

• Own your emotions without blaming the other person for causing them.

• Take a breath. Notice your fists are clenched. Start from there.

You’re allowed to fumble.
You’re allowed to pause.
You’re allowed to say, “This is hard for me, but I want to do it differently.”

This is what we practice inside Aligned Exchange — speaking, sharing, processing in real time without needing to be polished or perfect.

If that’s what you’ve been craving, you’re not wrong.
You’re just ready for real connection.