May 20, 2024
Grab some popcorn and settle in for #storytime.
I wish I could tell you how hard my chest is beating as I type this. It’s louder than a college marching band, and I’m not entirely sure that I’m still breathing.
Fuuuckkkkk……
I can do this
I can do hard things… I think.
The easiest way to get in the freezing cold pool is to jump… 3 . 2 . 1 ….
There are lots of things I am super open and transparent about when it comes to my life. It seems like nothing is really off limits with the exception of things related to my children. But there are things I have been more evasive on sharing details about… I’m talking about S . E . X .
Well since I’m currently talking about book deals, and the entire book is about sex…. I figure I better get comfortable putting it out there.
Sex has always felt dirty to me. I was ashamed of the things I wanted to experience and try. And I was WILDLY uncomfortable discussing it with anyone, even the man I was married to.
My sex life wasn’t just vanilla, it was fat-free vanilla frozen yogurt.
In my entire life I owned one vibrator, that I bought somewhere between graduating college and getting married. Don’t be fooled — there’s an eight year gap in between that time. That one purple vibrator was the extent of my sex toy collection until 2023.
I realized I needed to not only feed my sexual curiosity but also be able to speak freely about it before I would feel authentic to myself.
It has taken me a little over a year to be able to officially put an experience out there for you to read… which is what this attempt right here is. I mean can you feel the nerves and fear in me while you read this, as I painfully hesitate to figure out which story to start with.
I was thankful to the Universe when she put AC in front of me. Here was a man feeling and experiencing all of the same things that I was. Holding the same shame and the same wish to explore. There was connection and there was trust and so together we held hands and we jumped in.
Our third date was a sex club.
Yep, you read that right…. it was the third date.
I didn’t even know sex clubs were real. Yes, I realize how incredibly naive that may sound… but it’s true. I didn’t know there was anything beyond strip clubs.
I really wanted to go but I was terrified and if you know me at all then you may know exactly how nervous I get in new situations. At times it can be paralyzing and I come off like a stuck up bitch when in reality I’m just trying to make sure that my body remembers to continue breathing.
WTF do women wear to sex clubs? Is everyone there going to be sexier than me? Do I bring a purse? What do I need to know? Are we really doing this?
I think Google was overheating from all my searching in an effort to be as prepared as I could. Meanwhile AC appeared as cool as a cucumber as he picked out the outfit I would wear. I ended up in a cropped white tank and army green pants that flowed with slits that cut up the mid thigh.
I paced and word vomited racing thoughts until it was finally time to call the uber and go.
As we turned down a street that was clearly taking us into an industrial part of town, we pulled up to a large building with no windows and no signs. We couldn’t even find the numbers on the building to verify we were in the right place. And as the uber drove away I had an “oh shit” moment… like, is this how I die? Whatever happens, make sure it takes me all the way out, because if it only puts me in the hospital my mother will finish the job when she finds out.
We took a chance and followed a few other people wearing hardly any clothes figuring they looked like they have done this before. We found the door, which for the record I refused to walk through first, and were given obnoxious smiley face bracelets so that everyone would know it was our first time in attendance.
We didn’t bring our own alcohol, so sober it was!
The giant screens in the club area was playing porn and there were people of all sorts wandering around. Some in lingerie, others wearing leashes, us wearing regular mostly everyday clothes.
We sat down in a booth just kind of taking it in and when AC looked at me and said he had to pee I squeezed his hand harder and politely declined his invitation to step away from me.
Eventually we decided to get up and wander. We headed through the back door to where the playrooms are.
Holy Fuck
I didn’t think I could be more uncomfortable than walking into a bar with porn playing on the big screens, but turns out I could. Walking through a hallway with rooms on each side, doors open and seeing people having sex … so essentially - live porn, was absolutely more uncomfortable than seeing it on the big screen.
I didn’t want to watch, but also, I wanted to watch.
We learned quickly that watching was AC’s thing. He didn’t have the same level of discomfort with it that I did. He stood up against a wall, pulled me in close to him and kept trying to get me to relax as I wiggled and fidgeted with the discomfort of feeling like I was breaking the rules by looking.
Eventually we went to have our own fun for the evening, and that’s when we learned that while he may be more comfortable watching, I was absolutely more comfortable being watched. We also adopted what would become our golden rule & that is, no matter what the question is, the answer is not “whatever.” The second rule was Tab must make eye contact with AC before opening her mouth to answer. But that’s a story for another day.
This was the first time I allowed myself to push through the discomfort and the rules that I had been holding myself to for years on end. It was liberating, it was terrifying and it was only the beginning.
Want to work through the thoughts running through your mind? Book a call with Tab
Did you hear about the three day LIVE event I’m doing all about threesomes?
I promise, if you’re curious you won’t want to miss this! Check it out!!
