July 1, 2024

Growing up Catholic, I didn’t realize that anything existed outside of monogamy. I truly believed my only choice was to be monogamous or be single.

Everything I knew about relationships I learned from family, friends, and TGIF. For those who are younger millennials or Gen Z, TGIF was what every kid in the 90s lived for—wholesome Friday night TV where you learned to hug out your problems and tell the truth. Back then, there was no streaming or social media, and what was racy and pushing boundaries then doesn’t even make the cut as wholesome today.

Even in shows meant for a younger audience, monogamy was rampant.

There was Cory & Topanga, Zack & Kelly, DJ & Steve, all showing us how to commit to one person before we even figured out how to put a tampon in.

The idea was glorified in every Disney princess movie ever made. There is one true love for each person, and when you find them, not only will they be worth the wait, but you will ride off into the sunset together... forever. And because you love them, you would never dream of putting a pillow over their snoring face just so you could sleep for at least an hour before the coroner shows up.

We all know the ending to every Hallmark Christmas movie ever made. They meet, they don’t like each other, he makes a super big gesture to sweep her off her feet and proclaim his love, they live happily ever after.

If we think about it, this is where most of us—speaking for myself entirely here—learned our expectations of a relationship.

I grew up in a family where NO ONE has fucked up from doing life the “right” way.

What do I mean? Everyone (all grandchildren on both sides of my family) skipped drugs, graduated college, met the love of their life, and then chose to ruin it with babies. No one did anything out of order, and NO ONE got divorced... until me.

Growing up surrounded by successful marriages, I truly believed that all it took was love and a little determination. If there was one thing I was ever really, really wrong about, it was that right there.

When I met my ex-husband, we didn’t talk about our relationship expectations. We didn’t treat it as if we were entering into a legally binding contract. I expected him to care for me in the same way I witnessed my parents growing up.

🛞 Change the oil and tires on my car
🏡 Mow the lawn
🗑 Take out the garbage
🚪 Double-check the locks on the doors
❄️ Don’t let me leave in a snowstorm
🫣 Know that when I say nothing's wrong, there is definitely something wrong
💪🏻 Protect and fight for me fiercely
🍬 Bring me M&Ms while I cry

I expected all of this without ever actually using my words to tell him any of this.

Without realizing it then, the only form of relationship I had ever known was a codependent love. In fact, mainstream media rarely shows what healthy monogamy looks like. Often, jealousy, manipulation, and codependency are portrayed as love. We watch Prince Charming ride in and fight the demons on behalf of the princess. But in real life, that isn’t how it works.

In real life, you can’t fight someone else’s demons. You can’t carry their baggage or do any of the work for them.

After almost eight years of marriage, I was left standing in a puddle of tears that proved no matter how bad I wanted it, it wasn’t up to only me. It was time to pull the plug and save myself while it was still possible.

I imagine that for most people, monogamy was never actually a choice, and the rules and boundaries of their relationship have never been discussed. It was just a "do as they did before you" kind of thing. For this exact reason, I was forty before I realized there was an entire world beyond monogamy.

HOLY SHITBALLS, BATMAN!

I want to be perfectly clear…

I’m not here to tell anyone that monogamy or non-monogamy is better… not even a little bit.

What I want to do is introduce what I learned navigating a world of non-monogamy and bring it INTO monogamous relationships.

I also want to normalize it if monogamy feels to you like you are pushing a square peg into a round hole. Because guess what… there’s a reason for that!

So let’s start by just identifying what different dynamics exist.

This is not a complete list & definitions & terminology will differ between couples

Monogamy
Two people emotionally, physically, and intimately connected and committed to each other and no one else.

Swingers
In most, but not all, cases, swingers are married and committed but play openly together. This may include, but not be limited to, threesomes, orgies, partner swaps, and even cuckold or hotwife scenarios. The key is they play together.

Open
This is what AC and I were.
We were primary partners, emotionally committed only to one another, but our relationship was open on a physical level. We played both alone and together with other people.

Polyamory
There are many different dynamics inside a polyamorous relationship. The long and short of poly is that there are multiple partners on an emotional and/or physical level.

Here is where it gets really interesting…

🔍 Non-monogamous relationships are like snowflakes—there are no two that are the same.
🔍 Every single boundary and expectation is put out on the table and created together.

👆🏻 THIS is what is different than monogamy. It is what could take your monogamous relationship to the next level.

❌ People think that anything outside of monogamy is non-commitment.
❌ They think it’s all about the sex or the kink and different fetishes.

But what if it isn’t?

💕 What if it’s about not expecting one person to fill every cup you need filled?
💕 What if it’s about creating something that leaves nothing left to be desired?
💕 What if it’s about moving in a way that feels aligned with your soul?